6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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