The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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