If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
