i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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