Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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