Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
