I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
