i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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