what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
