I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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