Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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