why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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