my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
