dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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