somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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