She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
