Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
