Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
