I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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