I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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