Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Found your dick twin last night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
