just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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