Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
