his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
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