During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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