After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
