and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
