his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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