i need an iv and a liver transplant
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
