Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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