Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
