dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
