How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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