I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
