I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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