If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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