highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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