Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I look better un-naked...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
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