He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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