i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
