giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
