I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
