So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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