you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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