Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
