Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
