so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
