I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
