I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
