Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
