she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
